I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Nigella has gone too far this time.
kids play hide and seek like
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.