I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

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[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.


Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.


*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.


If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.


I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.


[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right


Thanks to this face I’ve been forced to work on my personality and wit for decades.


Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
* the office chair spins around immediately *


Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.


Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.