I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
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Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
channeling her this year
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.