I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”