I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I just love that new Pope smell.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face