Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

can’t wait til they legalize outside

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.