I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
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A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.