Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.