I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
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Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
so this horse walks into a bar
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.