Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.