I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Yep.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
When someone trying to leave me
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”