I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
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Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.