I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
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“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
No regrets in 2018
