I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
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reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*