“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
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One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
looks legit
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Spotted in New Orleans.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.