“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
You Might Also Like
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Never be a pizza!
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER