“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
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Me: Why are you in my bed?
8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die