I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
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*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Who chose this font
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.