Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

I don’t think my car can fly

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

This one’s “Alex”.

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.