Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is this a threat

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

incredible text to wake up to

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.