I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
