Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

I pray every night that I never become religious…

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

perfect

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target