free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
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Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
How it started: How it’s going:
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.