I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
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At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday