How do horror writers compete with current events?
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I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions