Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?