I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
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Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
choose your gary
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?