Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.