I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
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Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Pigeon open mic night.