I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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Respect
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman: