I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My life coach traded me.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.