Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Bear knowledge

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

meanwhile over on facebook

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

True freaking story!

doing your own taxes

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him