I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
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[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
#damn
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Saturday
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!