I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
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[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.