Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

Can you read?
Yeah
Can you read out loud?
I guess

*news anchor qualifications

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.