Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad