I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
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Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.