I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
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“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership