I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
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*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
What personal space?
My dog
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.