I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
They did not think through this water fountain
