I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized