I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
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I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….