Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.