I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
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We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
That’s incredible! 👌
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir