Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

men are simple creatures

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler