Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sign at work today

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

Previously On Persistence 😎

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.