I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
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The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
For anyone who needs this today
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.