I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
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every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
When you’re Kinky but poor
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
