Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

the duality of man

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

Only a mother’s love …

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.