Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face