I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
You Might Also Like
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Me recordaron éste meme
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️