Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
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Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die
You: so you can’t watch that YouTube link?
Me: I’m saying it’s dangerous to even send them
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[Scientist discovering catfish]
Scientist: What kind of fish are you?
Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
[Writing Silence of the Lambs]
Anyone have an idea for the cannibal’s name?
Anyone other than Jim?