@tracietom

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

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@weinerdog4life

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

@thenatewolf

Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die

You: so you can’t watch that YouTube link?

Me: I’m saying it’s dangerous to even send them

@sweetg35

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

@_davidlucas_

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

@G_Faylor

[Scientist discovering catfish]

Scientist: What kind of fish are you?

Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*

@68Cly29

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

@thetigersez

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

@BlondeFacade

I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.

@daemonic3

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

@jimmytorosian

[Writing Silence of the Lambs]

Anyone have an idea for the cannibal’s name?

Jim: Hannibal?

Anyone?

Jim: Hannibal

Anyone other than Jim?