I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
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Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
This raises questions
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp