Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.