I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
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Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
I cannot call her anything else now
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Jus’ sayin. 😐
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line