I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
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2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web