Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

New skill unlocked

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.