Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag