I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
You Might Also Like
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.