I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.