I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
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Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam