I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
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My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.