Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.