Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

Okay

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE