I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
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United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.