Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Now who done made this a sport lmao

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

In case you needed to hear it:

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣