I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
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Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday