Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.