Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Breaking news:

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby