I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
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godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
A short story about romance.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or