Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

relationship goals

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box