Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.