Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

going to the ER y’all need anything

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers