I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
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Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.