I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
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I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs