Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

do u think theres a butter planet?

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

what my late-night hot pocket sees

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.