I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
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I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Bros before Ohioes
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.