I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
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The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I know this now 😂
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?