Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).