I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
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Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
a New Yorker reject, for you
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Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
This was my dad’s browser history.
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Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.