I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
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beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind