Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

Jesus steals the winter solstice

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.