I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
You Might Also Like
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
WTF
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I’m calling the cops.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
