I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
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Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore