I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…