Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

Some people were born into their job.

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

Cucumbers Anonymous

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

this makes me so uncomfortable

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.