Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor