I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
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“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Google Pay be like:
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin