Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken