I had to touch-up my friend’s hair with hair color and personally I think I did a great job. It only took her 35 minutes to get the dye off her forehead, left eyelid and my floor. I’ve found my calling.
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men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Cause of death: Zumba
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?